It’s definitely that time of year where lots of people are turning over new leaves and trying to make some positive changes in their lives. This also seems to be the time of year when unsolicited advice spreads like pink eye in a daycare.
If you’re one of those people who always wants to help another (myself being guilty of this), you are likely to be an unsolicited advice giver. I find that engineers are notoriously bad at this because even if they don’t know what they’re talking about, they still try to formulate a theory to solve the problem at hand. That is what engineers do. Solve problems they don’t have immediate answers to, make hypothesis, and test them until they find an answer. At any rate, I was thinking that unsolicited advice is something that I not only give but also receive, so I thought I’d write a little post on it.
If you are the giver of advice, first ask yourself these questions:
- What stage of problem solving is this person at? Sometimes a person just wants to vent a problem to get it off their chest, but they are not always at the emotional or physical state to be able to take action just yet. They need to be mentally prepared for the change. If you start giving action plans before they are ready, then it will just fall on deaf ears and be construed as bossy or demeaning.
- Is the person asking for help? If you’re not sure why someone has come to you (to just listen), or to actually help, then ask them. Make sure they want your advice before dispensing it. Maybe they don’t want any help at all and they’re just recapping their day.
- Are you reputable source to dispense the advice? Babci is always giving me diet tips and she’s easily 100 pounds overweight. When Babci dispenses weight loss advice to me, I always ask her “if that works so well, why aren’t you 100 pounds thinner?”
I’m going to tangenate here, but I really hate that I see the same food habits that Babci has in myself. I also see it in my youngest. We all want to eat all the time and are constantly thinking about food. I’ve been able to keep my weight at bay with exercise, but it doesn’t take much to pack on the pounds..and I currently have a few too many. I really hope I don’t pick up the denial thing too. She’s always saying “I don’t eat, my weight is because of this or that.” Um, I’m pretty sure you just scarfed down 1/2 of a pie in one sitting. Yes, you do eat and quite a lot, actually.
- Will helping the person do any good? Sometimes people look to others to get them out of jams. They not only look to others to fix their problems, but also are looking for someone else to blame besides themselves for the problem occurring in the first place. Make sure you are aware of the potential for codependent relationships. If you want to be a help, it’s easy to cross the line between helper and enabler.
If you are the receiver of unsolicited advice, then try to use the following approaches:
- First, try to understand that the person giving the advice is just trying to help. Sometimes it might come off as condescending or demeaning or criticism but I’m sure in most cases that is not the intent of the advice giver. If you really don’t want to hear the advice, be nice and say “I’m not ready to take that step yet..first I need to do X.”
- Know that it’s not mandatory to listen and act on someone’s advice. Take from it what you want and leave the rest.
- Determine if you respect the person’s knowledge on a subject. If you’re not sure, ask them what their advice is based on. You may not want to accept makeup advice from your friend who went to clown school. But then again, they have access to professional makeup and how to apply it and they may be able to teach you something.
- Try to get something out of the conversation and thank the person for trying to help you.
How do you deal with giving and/or receiving unsolicited advice?
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